WORK SAFETY FOR EVIL HENCHMEN
As required by the Evil Henchmen Union (Local 423)
- Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound
of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
- When performing guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer
or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot.
- If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident
and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have
encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
- Get plenty of firearm practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the
ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, bit
it won't stop the Hero.
- The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still
alive is to shoot him in the head.
- Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million
of you for a reason.
- If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is
even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all
requisitions for men and firepower.
- As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the
nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the
- If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and
await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her
- No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she
bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you.
Do not unlock the cell door.
- If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
- If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord
asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."
- Learn where the trap door is in the floor of the Evil Overlord's
audience chamber. NEVER STAND THERE, especially when bad news is
brought to the Evil Overlord.
- Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch
for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable
it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but
your chances of escaping are better.
- If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told
you to do something different, and you will be blamed. If you disobey
orders and succeed, the EO will act as if what you did was his idea,
and you will be commended. The Moral: Do what works.
- If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil
Overlord to report your failure will usually get you killed.
- When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this simple safety tip.
- Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it.
- Always have a scapegoat arranged in order to explain every failure.
- Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never,
accept responsibility for failure.